As my time as a teacher comes to a close, I find myself still having “teacher” thoughts. For example, this morning, the radio DJ starting talking about how “amazing” has been rated as the most overused word in 2011, 2012, and now 2013. He then played a clip from a video someone put together on YouTube of the British X-factor judges demonstrating his point. I started mentally constructing a magnificent (notice I didn’t use ‘amazing’) lesson plan about word choice and using higher level language. That’s when the reality of this life change hit me. I am definitely excited, but simultaneously, I am scared. How are we going to manage on one paycheck? What if I hate it? Am I really ready to do what I never thought I could? The simple answer: I just don’t know. What I do know is that Bubsy is already 8 months old, and I feel I have missed so much; so, I guess I am just going to jump into this amazing (yup! I said it) new adventure screaming YOLO!
The Moore, OK tornado made my heart hurt so badly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose Bubsy at all- let alone under those horrifying circumstances. My stomach turns when I see the images and hear the tragic stories of children gone too soon. The tornado happened on Monday, and big storms were headed towards Dallas come Tuesday. I was a nervous wreck the entire morning. My head understands that the chances of an EF-5 or EF-5 hitting two days in a row are slim to none, but my heart was irrational, and I couldn’t stop picturing one of those monsters barreling towards my son’s day care center. All day at work, I kept a nervous eye on the weather, wishing it was June 11th already, and I could be at home with Bubsy all of the time. Luckily (maybe sadly), most of the metro-plex was nervous and a lot of schools let their students get home early (before the big storms were due) including my campus.
As I rushed towards the day care, the ominous clouds formed in my rear view mirror. I was being unreasonable to panic so much, so I called my oldest and best friend to gain some perspective. I told her how I couldn’t figure out why I was so anxious- that it was shaping up to be just another regular storm. Her response made it so clear, “you are not in control. It didn’t matter before Bubsy, but now you have him to make it matter”. *palm meet forehead* I was having a mom moment. This is part of motherhood I have come to loathe. I hate the constant and often ridiculous worries I have. I hate the nightmare, the staring at the monitor in the middle of the night and secretly hoping he wakes to tell you he is alive. I hate that I have to trust another to care for him. I hate not being in complete control.
One thing for certain is that I have built a stronger relationship with God since discovering I was pregnant because the power of prayer helps to drown out the constant din of uneasiness. So for Moore, for my son, for their future, for his, I will just pray. I will pray for the monsters in life to stay away.