Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Before I was really ready to confront my husband with the resolve to stay home, I put my options in the Lord’s hands. I prayed for God to send me in the direction the He wanted. Is my calling to stay home and raise my family, or is it to continue teaching, but in a new venue? Shortly after our little chat and the death of my boss, God put it on my heart to stay home. My husband knew I was serious when I came to him with tears in my eyes stating that “I will do whatever it takes, even sell my car”. He knew I was serious when I offered up my precious Acadia, and I think he really was hoping I would make the decision I did because he hugged me and while he held me, said we didn’t have to do that.
Fast forward a couple months later. I put in my notice at work, I told all of my friends, and I started a blog about staying home, and then the phone rings. A certain prominent ISD wants to interview me for a wonderful position. He we go, Lord. Is this a trick? A test? I had applied to this district before I made my decision, and I didn’t pursue it any further thinking I didn’t need to anymore. Also, a few days later, I ran into a neighbor/friend who was trying to help me get a job in my dream ISD- the one in which I reside. A few months ago, it had appeared that no positions would be available and working in this ISD would be a fay away fantasy… WRONG! She informed me that not only had a position opened up at her school, but also, one opened up on her team, and she could get me an interview. Geeeeezzzzzz….. What is a girl of God supposed to do with that?! I still don’t know. I told her I had decided to stay home, but I am really questioning my decision. I am going to interview next week with the first ISD, and I am hoping that God shows where He wants me to be.
The Moore, OK tornado made my heart hurt so badly. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose Bubsy at all- let alone under those horrifying circumstances. My stomach turns when I see the images and hear the tragic stories of children gone too soon. The tornado happened on Monday, and big storms were headed towards Dallas come Tuesday. I was a nervous wreck the entire morning. My head understands that the chances of an EF-5 or EF-5 hitting two days in a row are slim to none, but my heart was irrational, and I couldn’t stop picturing one of those monsters barreling towards my son’s day care center. All day at work, I kept a nervous eye on the weather, wishing it was June 11th already, and I could be at home with Bubsy all of the time. Luckily (maybe sadly), most of the metro-plex was nervous and a lot of schools let their students get home early (before the big storms were due) including my campus.
As I rushed towards the day care, the ominous clouds formed in my rear view mirror. I was being unreasonable to panic so much, so I called my oldest and best friend to gain some perspective. I told her how I couldn’t figure out why I was so anxious- that it was shaping up to be just another regular storm. Her response made it so clear, “you are not in control. It didn’t matter before Bubsy, but now you have him to make it matter”. *palm meet forehead* I was having a mom moment. This is part of motherhood I have come to loathe. I hate the constant and often ridiculous worries I have. I hate the nightmare, the staring at the monitor in the middle of the night and secretly hoping he wakes to tell you he is alive. I hate that I have to trust another to care for him. I hate not being in complete control.
One thing for certain is that I have built a stronger relationship with God since discovering I was pregnant because the power of prayer helps to drown out the constant din of uneasiness. So for Moore, for my son, for their future, for his, I will just pray. I will pray for the monsters in life to stay away.